If I Had a Boyfriend
by Fuzzy Necromancer
Summary: The AzuDai girls speculate about what kind of boyfriend they would want. Hijinks ensue, especially when Yukari gets involved.


Splack!

Yomi plucked a wad of chewed paper from the back of her neck.

"Tomo, stop shooting spitballs at me!"

"What makes you think it was me?" Tomo retorted. "Anyone could have shot that spitball!" She paused, raised a straw to her mouth, and spat another wad at Yomi. "I mean, I did it, but that's just a coincidence. You didn't have any proof." She fired off another spitball at Osaka.

Yomi reached over and smacked the straw out of Tomo's hands.

"You have no sense of humor," Tomo grumbled. "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend."

Yomi gave her I'm-going-to-punch-Tomo-soon eyebrow twitch.

"You're one to talk," Yomi snarked back.

"Hey, I had a boyfriend last year," Tomo said. "He just had to transfer to another school."

"Was that before or after he ran away screaming 'I can't take it anymore' and had to be put on calming medication?" Yomi said in her deadpan tone.

"You took that completely out of context," Tomo grumbled. The drying spitball fell off Osaka's forehead. She picked it up, examined it, and then ate it. Tomo turned around. "Hey Sakaki! I bet you have a kickass boyfriend, what with your cool girl charms and lone wolf sexual magnetism!"

Sakaki turned away from the window and brushed long dark hair out of her eyes. She was utterly silent. While she considered her answer, Kaorin broke out in a cold sweat, pulling at her short brown hair and biting her lip.

Sakaki blinked. "Sorry, what were you asking?"

"Who's your boyfriend?" Tomo asked. "Are you dating the captain of the American football team, or a cyborg, or a rockstar, or a cyborg rockstar captain of a football team?"

Sakaki stared out the window again and said "Actually I don't have a boyfriend.'

Tomo snapped back in her seat. "No way!"

Sakaki cocked her head slightly. "Yes. I don't have a boyfriend."

Kaorin sighed, slumped in her seat, and fanned herself with a textbook.

Tomo leaned back and stroked her lack of a beard. "So, if you had a boyfriend, what would he be like?" Kaorin perked up attentively.

Sakaki stared off into space for a while before answering. "Well, he'd have to care about animals as much as I do," she said. Kaorin looked away and wrote something down in her notebook. "He'd have to be sensitive and thoughtful." More furious scribbling ensued. "He'd also have to be taller than me, so I could feel small and cute." Kaorin's pencil broke in her hand.

Tomo pondered this for a second, the turned over to Kagura. "What kind of boyfriend do you want?"

Kagura cocked her head. "Well, I guess I'm happy with the one I got, so I'd go with him, only maybe a bit buffer."

Tomo froze. Her eyes zeroed in on Kagura and shrunk. Her skin went white. "You have a _boyfriend_?! That's impossible! Who is he? How come we haven't seen him before?"

"He's still in my old homeroom," she said.

"Hah! I bet he doesn't even exist, you mannish blockhead!" Tomo shouted.

"Yes he does!" Kagura snapped back. "He's Takyo Kobayashi. See?"  
She pointed out the window and waved to one of the boys on the soccer team. He waved back and blew her a kiss.

Tomo bared her teeth, then turned around to face Kaori. "Hey, what kind of boyfriend do you want?"

Kaori snapped back in her seat. "Me?" she squeaked.

Kaori tugged at her collar and blushed stalling for time. "Well, err, um, he'd have to be tall, dark, and handsome." Her eyes flickered briefly to Sakaki. She was staring out the window again and didn't give any response or sign of recognition. "He'd be, err, somebody cool and composed, but gentle, and kind to animals." She closed her mouth, cast her eyes downward, and trembled.

"Um, so, Osaka, w-what kind of boyfriend do you want?" Kaori asked, her eyes still on Sakaki.

Osaka turned her head very slowly and treated Kaori to a slack-jawed glassy-eyed smile. Kaori scootched her chair back a little. There was something worrying about that distant expression.

"A boyfriend," Osaka said. "Boyfriend..."

Rain pattered outside the window. The whole class hushed up and surreptitiously leaned in towards the student formerly known as Ayume.

Her dull eyes gleamed the shadows of galaxies.

"I'd like a boyfriend who's got bright green eyes and dark hair."

"That's it?" Tomo shouted. "No crazy stuff about sea slugs? You're not going to marry Blue Five or anything? Can't you even-"

"He's have a good dress sense," Osaka said in her slow drawl as if Tomo had never interrupted. "He'd have nice white fangs, and a soda fountain, some smooth blue wings, and an attatchment for vacuuming under the couch."

She paused to look out the window. Tomo gave a grunt of satisfaction.

"Also he'd be a a chubby catgirl every other Tuesday."

There was another pause while everyone digested this information.

Tomo was always eager to fill silence. "All of you are idiots! I wouldn't settle for anything less than nine boyfriends! Four of them would be my fellow Interpol officers, and five of them would be Lupin!"

Yomi rolled her eyes.

Chiyo was engrossed in her textbook, but she was abruptly drawn into the conversation by Tomo tugging on her pigtails. "Alright brainy-girl! Let's see you top THAT! What boyfriend would you choose, because it's nowhere near as awesome as my idea!"

"I'm sorry! I wasn't listening! I agree with you, just please let go!"

Tomo blinked and stepped back. "That's…that's pretty cool. You aren't half-bad chiyo chan."

"I lied about the catgirl part," Osaka said.

Tomo turned back to her. "What are you talking about?"

"I don't want a boyfriend who turns into a chubby catgirl every other Tuesday. That would be pretty weird."

Tomo leaned over and poked Yomi in the midsection. "Heeey jelly rolls, I bet you want a chubby chaser for a boyfriend! I know there's some guys out there that get turned on by your big fat gut and love handles and doublewide butt."

"I am NOT looking for a guy with a fat fetish!" Yomi growled.

"Why not?" Tomo asked. "Are you one of those self-hating fatties? Don't tell me you're stupid enough to look for a guy who finds your body repulsive but loves you for your personality or some crap."

"I am not FAT!" Yomi said, punctuating her sentence by hitting Tomo in the face with "English Grammar and Usage Fourth Edition."

"What I really want is a guy who turns into a chubby catgirl every Wednesday, except for the first Wednesday of the month," Osaka said. "That would be nice."

Yomi stared at Osaka, then shook her head. "My ideal guy would be about my age, with smooth skin and dark hair."

Kagura and Tomo nodded encouragingly.

"He's in good shape, even though he doesn't have to be super athletic. He'd just have to be nice and slim."

Sakaki was staring out the window and Kaori was staring at Sakaki.

"He'd also have the cutest little mischevious smile, and he'd be loyal enough to stick with me for years on end."

Kagura, Osaka, and Tomo leaned in closer. A boy at a nearby desk cocked his head and listened.

"He'd be upbeat and energetic, and full of confidence even when he has no right to be."

Chiyo looked up from her book, and her pigtails raised a bit. Sakaki turned away from the window. Yomi was blushing a bit, and her eyes were bright with excitement and longing. "Also, he'd have to like Lupin and crabs."

Everything got very quiet. Kaori and Sakaki stared at Yomi, then looked at Tomo, then turned to face each other. Sakaki raised an eyebrow, and Kaori gave a little shrug. Osaka was frowning and wrinkling her brow in thought. Kagura cocked her head.

Tomo laughed derisively. "Idiot! You have horrible taste in men Yomi. What you wanna do is find somebody who's really hot but doesn't know it, so they're insecure enough to go out with a loser like you. Some dude who's smart and can always help you out. Nerdy guys are kinda hot, and of course they'll treat you like a princess, but he has to be a guy who can stand up to you, let you know when you're being a moron so you don't totally humiliate yourself and alienate your friends.

A fly buzzed against the window. It sounded like thunder in the stillness. Yomi and Tomo were the center of undivided attention. Kagura's normally tanned face had gone deathly pale, and she looked back and forth between her friends.

Osaka blinked. "Ooh, I get it. Yomi's ideal boyfriend is Yukari!"

Yomi snapped back in here seat. "What?! No! No way! That's, just, don't even, no I do not have a crush on Yukari!"

Suddenly there was a hand gripping Yomi's shoulder. Yukari was glaring down at her with cold murder in her eyes.

"Oh, don't want to admit you've got a perverse crush on your teacher, huh? What's the matter? I'm not good enough for you?"  
"I…yes! No!" Yomi stammered.

"How dare you insult me like this, and in front of the whole class! I suppose you're going to say that stupid gym teacher is hotter than me! With her butch attitude I'm sure she's got confused young girls swarming all over her."  
"What? No! I don't have a crush on anybody!" Yomi backed away from Yukari as the maddened English teacher advanced.

The school bell rang. Yukari blinked and shook her head. She strode back to her desk and shouted "Class dismissed!"

The students filed out. Just as Yomi was stepping out the door, Yukari beckoned her back. Yomi stood in front of the teacher, wondering what outburst would follow.

"Don't do it. Nyamo will only break your heart."


End file.
